Blame Game, Who Win?

Blaming is an easy way of screwing a relationship without any valid justification. To top of it, it causes damage and adverse effect on the person being blamed on.

I had recently got a book from Dr. Rohan Xee, a psychologist who wrote his perspective about the negative effect of blaming in a relationship. The way he presses his views on this issue made me draft this article for some source of tips for couples out there.

On the thought, I think he got my interest that I really took my time to share it with you too, hoping you can be educated about the harmful effect when you blame someone over something in a relationship you are in. Here are some points you can check out!

1. Blaming is an emotional abuse

No matter how you see it, blaming is a chronic act which is associated with emotional abuse. When a person is constantly being blamed for something that happened, this will make him unproductive and unwilling because you are hurting their feelings. It is impossible not to throw harsh words when you blame others, and words once spoken can just only be forgiven but it is always remembered.

We adhere to open and truthful communication in a relationship, but as much as possible, we should emphasize that the way you talk about your hurt or pain should never make them feel bad, but rather be a healing process for both of you. Blaming is an act that if you are not careful could tear your relationship apart instead of getting close and surpass hurdles.

2. Repetition pattern of self-blaming

According to him, once the person is being blamed for something in a relationship it tends to self-blame and feels guilt had another thing occurs as a domino effect on the circumstances. Whatever bad results of his/her the other partner will eventually take as its own irresponsible act when in the first place, you two are in a couple and so each one has a responsibility why things happen.

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3. Sabotage self-esteem

It is an inevitable thing that once you are blame of something, you will question yourself about the skills or competent you had. You will have doubt if you can still deal with challenges coming from becoming the partner of the other person. In a way, you will start to lower your expectations and standard towards your partner. This will make you be okay whatever treatment he/she may have for you.

4. Taking blames can start as childhood issues

Childhood years are a crucial stage of growing and anything significant occurrence in the family can trigger self-blaming. Say as a kid raised by divorced parents. The baggage of having a difficult past creates them a belief that they are unworthy and that they will have a difficult time to discern if the relationship is already toxic for them.

5. Less intimacy

Along with the low self-esteem, a person who constantly blaming or even for once blamed on something will be reluctant to get close with the other person. On the simple display of care, they feel the need to build a defense and bitter feeling. The blamer, on the other hand, refuses to acknowledge the role of destruction towards the other may unaware of his/her behavior but the feeling of neglecting or distance of his/her partner could provoke him/her to be more irritated.

Advisable Approach To Patch Up The Damage

In his written book, Dr. Rohan gives suggestive ways to minimize if not heal frictions that cause repel of both partners. Cited are two I feel obligated to share with you, guys since I open this topic.

1. Owning the responsibility

I will never open an issue that would cause another headache of my reader, that why trust that if I do, I had with also to lay some ways to solve it, so here for the first is taking responsibility. One must not only see what the other partner did but also examine where you had been all along while things happened.

2. Telling how you feel without focusing on the blaming.

Although things hurt you, you have to be rational on your approach and should never take into account the wrong if you do not want the blame to control your relationship. Regardless of how you or your partner feel, once there are unexpected situations that havoc relationship it already hurt the one who causes it even though they are not saying it. That is why you should try to focus on the positive motivation. Talk once and for all about the issue and leave it in the past once you both agree to work on making things better.

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I just got that two ways cited from Dr. Rohan perspective on how to solve or minimize arguments. I just want to add some views with regard to this. Although I never question the effectiveness of the two mentioned ways above, I just want to emphasize that the one who had been hurt should be the first to reach out to the other person. This is because, at impulse, they may never want to open it to you because they are scared that you be hurt again. They could be in denial to themselves and somehow it hurts their esteem being a person, whom they project. Should there be something else in your mind? There is space below for the comment and let us check your thoughts on this topic. Thanks!

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